Softy Corner 2

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Do-Strategy - Lets Do Modeling
Thought-Food - Non-Violent Parenting
Worth-It - Meditation
Lovely Labels - Vivacious
Mail-Bag - Boisterous

Do-Strategy – Let’s Do Modeling

Sonali, a friend of mine who works with various schools has
this experience to share: A fifth standard girl had lost a book,
which she had borrowed from the school library. She was
explained that she should search for the book at her home again
properly for otherwise it will unnecessarily cost her Rs 80/-. The
next day she came up to Sonali and thrusting a Rs100 note at
her said, “Ma’am, here is the money and …..ma’am, keep the
change."

An aghast Sonali when talked to the girl in the recess got the
reply “That’s how my daddy does it”

Without doubt you as parent are the most important person in
the world for your child. No teacher, no other adult, no peer can
match. And whether you like it or not, you are a model for the
little one all the time.

Do you want the child to learn honesty? How many such
(Innocuous!!) lies do you yourself say " Tell the caller I am not
at home"?

Do you want your child to be a safe driver? How many times have
you jumped a signal because you were in a hurry?

Do you want your child to be a calm and composed person? How
much do you lose your temper?

Do you want your child to read a lot of books? How many
books do you read? Does your child notice enthusiasm in you
for reading, specially books?

Do you want your child to watch less TV? How much TV do
you watch?

Do you want your child to learn new things? What have you
learned new recently?

Do you want your children not to fight as siblings? How do you resolve
conflicts between you and your spouse?

Do you want your child to handle difficult times smilingly?
How do you handle tough situations?

We model on our parents so much that a whole lot of our
parenting itself is what our parents did to us. Do you often
sound like your own father or mother?

Experts say our children get 90 percent of their behaviour and
values from us. So they are reflecting your attitudes, your
behaviour, your speech, your mannerisms, your beliefs and
your values. And as they reflect, they internalize it too.

So what kind of a model you are? What kind of vision do we
provide to our children? As Steven Vannoy says, "You can
consciously choose the way you live your life, the way you
serve as a model for your children. Modeling is one of the
most important, yet simple, parenting tools you can use. It's a
tool that keeps working even when you are not around because
your children see how your life is working, what kinds of
results you create by the way you live"

It is so obvious and yet so very challenging. If you want your
child to become "X" kind of person, first you have to become
"X" kind of person. You are not just a role model, you are the life
model. If you want your dream child, you need to be the dream
parent!

We are the only gospel our children really read. Or as they say,
"What's inside the well, comes out in the bucket!

Thought-Food: Non-Violent Parenting

Mr A sends in this inspiring anecdote:

Dr. Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi shares the
following story as an example of practicing non-violence in
parenting:

"I was 16 years old and living with my parents 18 miles out
side of Durban, South Africa. We had no neighbours, so my two
sisters and I use to always look forward to going to town to
visit friends or go to the movies. One day, my father asked me
to drive him to town for an all-day conference, and I jumped at
the chance.

"Since I had all day in town, my father asked me to take care of
several pending chores, such as getting the car serviced.

When I dropped my father off that morning, he said, 'I will
meet you here at 5:00 p.m., and we will go home together.'
After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the
nearest movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne
double-feature that I forgot the time. It was 5:30 before I
remembered. By the time I got the car and hurried to where my
father was waiting, it was almost 6:00.

"He anxiously asked me, 'Why were you late?'
I was so ashamed of telling him that I was watching a movie
that I said, 'The car wasn't ready, so I had to wait,’ not realizing
that he had already called the garage.

When he caught me in the lie, he said: 'There's something
wrong in the way I brought you up that didn't give you the
confidence to tell me the truth. In order to figure out where I
went wrong with you, I'm going to walk home 18 miles and
think about it.'

So, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk home.
I couldn't leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours I drove behind
him, watching my father go through this agony for a stupid lie
that I uttered. I decided then and there that I was never going to
lie again.

I often think if he had punished me the way we punish our
children, whether I would have learned a lesson at all. I don't
think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on
doing the same thing. But this single non-violent action was so
powerful that it is still as if it happened yesterday.

Worth-It: Meditating

There is no doubt that meditation of any type is useful. But
unfortunately it is often seen as something quite difficult for an
adult, forget a child.
But if we were to redefine meditation as just feeling something,
enjoying something, without being judgmental, without
analysis - literally “a suspension of thought”, just letting our
senses take control of ourselves. This in itself can be blissful
and can be the first step towards higher order meditation.

Take you child for a walk. Explain that today without talking
lets enjoy everything around us. No comments, no judgements,
no evaluation. Just observing. This flower is red, there are
many trees, birds are singing, air is heavy etc . Let all your
five senses enjoy their function, while giving rest to your
mighty brain.

Try this meditation outdoors first, then with anything and see
the awakening of senses come through you and your child. (By
the way, children are natural meditators – have you seen how
they can enjoy plain rice without salt or anything else in it.
That’s senses at its best!)

Lovely Labels: Vivacious

When a child goes away from a house it is often said, “Oh life
has gone out of this house”. Such is the natural vivacity in
children. Their ability to be lively and spirited about anything,
for any task, is at its peak in the initial years. Somewhere our
concerns, our instructions our judgements tend to obstacle this
natural flow. Lift the dams, let you child bubble, for this is the
essence of life. And beware soon this vivaciousness will start
rubbing on you too.

Mail-Bag – Boisterous

Mrs S writes in : My son aged 8 ½ years cannot sit or stand quietly even for a
second. His movement is causing lot of problem and confusion
at home, at school or anywhere we go. He is unbearable during
Family gatherings and does not listen to any one at that time.
Whereas at home he will listen. When we talk to him he is very
understanding only at that moment, he will apologize and talk
big but after a day or two he is back to square one. According
to my Uncle who is a Doctor, he is having no problem and will
be alright in about an year or two. He is having a very good
memory .He tells all spellings correctly but while writing he
will either miss a letter or two or he will mix up the letters. He
gets above 90 if I sit and make him study or comes down to as
low as 65 if I am not with him while studying. My husband was
quite naughty in his childhood but is very reserved now. I am a
reserved person from my childhood. I want to know if he should
get professional help.”

What I see is a sharp, energetic boisterous child. What I also
see is a concerned mother. But for a moment I want you to
relook, with concern, at yourself, before you analyze your
child. Is it that you have been giving him less attention
compared to younger sibling in the past year? Could he be
seeking attention by adopting this behaviour? Are you
constantly instructing him, ordering him, leading to power
struggles? When you go for an outing do you expect the
negative behaviour? Maybe it’s just a mental game – the more
you expect him to be naughty, the more he lives up to that. It
could be just be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can obviously seek help of a counselor. Before doing that
can you switch your expectations to positive ones? Can you
constantly look for positive behaviour and lovely label him.
Can you instead of worrying about his listening, listen to his
needs, wishes, and perspectives. Maybe he needs more physical
action at this age rather than more marks in the class.

Remember the Rives flows fastest after its birth, but that is what makes it so fertile when it reaches the plains.

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