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 Do-Strategy - Responsive Response             
 Thought-Food - A Wonderful Mess                   
 Worth-It & Lovely Labels - Happiness                               
 Mail-Bag - Habits                                     
 

Do-Strategy – Responsive Response

Suppose you as a child lost your cricket match. Disappointed,
you reach home and break the news. We have three versions for
you – pause after each and think how it makes you feel.

 Version 1: “There is nothing to be disappointed about that.
Winning and loosing is part of life. You need to play better
next time. Cheer up, I have some chocolate cake for you before
dinner.”

 Version 2: “You must have played quite well. Don’t think
about it now. One match is not the whole life. Even I have lost
many matches in my life. Take your bath now and get ready for
dinner.

 Let’s micro-analyze these seemingly positive responses.

 Version 1: Negation of feelings followed by moralizing
followed by telling what I need to do next time and trying to
cheer me up with something external and materialistic.

 Version 2: False pride and praise followed by telling to change
my state of mind, followed by moralizing worsened by
examples of self and finally forcing me to shift focus to
undesirable task.

 Lets look at another version:

 Version 3: “You look disappointed. Tell me more about it. I am
sure you can think of how you can win the next time.
Meanwhile, when you are ready for dinner, I will serve it.

 Version 3: Accepting the feelings followed by willingness to
share it without judgment pepped up by having confidence in
me to solve own problems and reducing disappointment by
shifting focus to a ‘next time’ and lastly giving respect by
allowing time to settle my own thoughts and emotions.

 Somehow we don’t treat our children as adults. And our
language automatically gets loaded up with moralizing, false
praise and negating their feelings. Nothing else hurts our self
esteem more than somebody questioning our being – our
emotions, our pride and our intelligence.

 If your spouse says “I do not feel like eating tonight”, most
probably you will either show concern, “Are you feeling
alright” or you may suggest, “Maybe little” or you may offer
your services “do you want to have something else” or a
combination of the above.

 But when it comes to a child – for the same statement most probably one will offer a
big lecture or moralize the child, command him or in the worse case
threaten him or a combination of above. Why so?

 Look at two more similar situations:

 “Mummy, I think this drawing I made looks so awful”
“No dear, its looks so nice”

Assumption: “ I need to praise immediately to restore their
confidence.”

If they think you are lying, then worse than not giving praise, is
giving false praise – it hurts their self esteem that their parents
are trying to cover it up for them. And please do not fool yourself into thinking they can not read you !

Alternative: If it actually looks awful, agreeing and then
encouraging is better “You look disappointed by your efforts. I
am sure you can do better”. If some part is nice – point out the
specifics.

 Another classic example: “Papa, I can’t do this”
“No, you can, dear”

Assumption: “They will believe what I have to say.”

This simply sounds like a false assurance. Do you really think false confidence
if of any use?

Alternative: A specific example from past serves as a better
confidence boosting anchor. “You did it last Monday” or “if
you can climb a ladder, you can climb a tree”.
If no past reference comes to your mind , try something like “Would you like to try another
approach”.

You may even offer a choice such as :  “Do you need my help?”
and this is likely to elicit  “OK, I will try it myself”.

Even if the child takes help, remember he feels that you are on his side.

 Negation of feeling builds an immediate wall. False praise
closes all windows; Moralizing, lectures and instructions are 
then not heard inside.

Acceptance builds bridges, sensitive praise helps the flow of
river, questions and choices spring the flowers all along.

 Your choice!

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Thought-Food: A Wonderful Mess
 

A famous scientist, who had made several medical
breakthroughs was being interviewed how he was able to be so
much more creative than the average person. What set him so
far apart from others?  

He responded that it all came from an experience with his
mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had
been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator
when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling
its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk!

 When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at
him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, “Robert,
what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely
seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already
been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for
a few minutes before we clean it up?”

 Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, “You
know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually
you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper
order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a
sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer?” He chose the
sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

 His mother then said, “You know, what we have here is a failed
experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with
two tiny hands. Let’s go out in the back yard and fill the bottle
with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without
dropping it.” The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle
at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without
dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!

It was at that moment that he knew he didn’t need to be afraid
to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just
opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all,
what scientific experiments are all about. Even if the
experiment “doesn’t work,” we usually learn something
valuable from it.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all parents would respond the way
Robert’s mother responded to him?

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Worth-It &  Lovely Labels:  Joyful, Happy, Cheerful

Is academic excellence more important or happiness? Is
monetary success more important or happiness? Is achievement
more important than happiness?

We are not talking about hedonistic pleasures. We are not
talking of one-minute mirth. We are talking about the laughter
from heart, the joy within. We are talking about the permanent
from transient. We are talking about an attitude of being
cheerful, happy and one of spreading Joy.

Watch a two year old beam with Joy when his mother appears
from nowhere, watch the five year old emanate happiness when
hugged by her father, watch a ten year old go jumping when he
did his first model aeroplane.

If you want your child to be happy, do you lovely label your
child as "happy"? Do you label her as joyful, cheerful, and
spirited? Can this be the simplest way to ingrain in our children
what happiness or joy is? Otherwise is there a chance that they
ultimately seek materialistic pleasures or hedonistic
explorations.

You reap what you sow. Are you sowing the seeds of happiness
and Joy? Happiness is an attitude, a state of mind. Are you
affirming this in your child by lovely labeling your child? Isn’t
this the greatest gift you can give to your child: A mental
disposition to be happy! (whatever be the circumstances).

The pollens of Jasmine can only bear fragrance!

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Habits

Mrs P seeks a solution :
I am a mother of a three and a half year old son.

My son is used to put anything in his mouth inspite of my repeatedly  telling  him
not to do so. I tried all that I could  but he wouldn’t  listen and runs
away if he finds that I had seen  him at the act. This is resulting in his throat
getting infection repeatedly. Can you give me any solution to this?
How to tackle him in this particular situation? He is
getting  very stubborn by the day .

Habits have the funny way of happening when we most resist them. The more we say
NO to a child, the more the child does it. It soon becomes a power struggle that the child loves to play and get the anticipated response. To simply change his habit, try changing
your response to that habit. 

' Stubbornness’ is not only a "lousy label", it is also a symptom
of power struggle.

If your child argues/ defies frequently - he may have somebody
nearby who gives him practice in this. Is it you? Then practice
letting your child have the last word. Practice inviting
cooperation instead of inviting power. 

Secondly do ponder over this quote from J Krishnamurti as you go over this issue – “Observation without evaluation is the highest form of human intelligence”.

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