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Softy
Corner - Food for Thought
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Softy Corner - Food for Thought
Do-Strategy -
Raising a super child?
Thought -
Food The Red
Circles
Worth -
It The Joyful Child
Do-Strategy - Raising a super
child!
Anita was a smart intelligent
five year old. However, as soon as she is disturbed about something,
she will start howling, screaming 'endlessly'. Parents tried
everything: explaining, scolding, punishing - but nothing seemed to
work. Then the parents got an idea from a book. Every time the child
will start something new (start for school, start dinner, etc.), they
would say, "Anita, you are a sweet, relaxed and controlled person".
The child's brawling continued,
but so did the parents continue telling her that she was a sweet,
relaxed and controlled person. A few days later suddenly her screaming
vanished. She came and emphatically told her parents - "See I am a
sweet, relaxed and controlled person."
Since Tarun was little slow in
responding to questions, his friends will often tease him dumbo. Once
when the teacher asked a question, Tarun just stood there. The teacher
could hear the whispering from around the class "Hey, Dumbo; Come on
dumbo". She addressed Tarun, but called him 'Rohan'. Tarun objected
"But I am not Rohan, my name is Tarun. Well, the teacher reasoned,
just as by my calling you Rohan you do not become Rohan, by their
calling you dumbo you do not become dumbo. You stay the same smart
Tarun I know you as!
Self belief is perhaps the most
important ingredient of any super child. And often self talk
determines what self belief I have. And for children self talk is
directly influenced by what labels others (especially parents) put on
them.
The problem with our sub
conscious brain is that it echoes whatever is sent to it. So when we
say "You are so irritating" or "You are so messy", the words
irritating or messy simply echo in the subconscious mind of the child.
One, most children do not know how to handle this negative, so the
echo continues, till the child starts believing in it.
Two, even if the child refutes,
saying "I am not messy, the word "messy" continues to echo. So even if
I do not agree with irritating, I still have to live the image of me
being irritating. Knowing how subconscious mind works, we know we
cannot cancel any thought. We can only replace it! (with a positive)
Three, if the negative comes
from many sources (say both parents) then the child may not take it as
negative, but may accept it as part of his or her personality. "I
think I am messy". Our loose talk has become the child's self talk
which soon becomes his self belief. What a dangerous loop!
Simply speaking a super child
needs super beliefs, which need super self talk which need super
labels put by us. While the process may seem obvious, in reality we
take up every chance to tell the child where he is wrong. If your
child has worn the left shoe in right leg today (while he does
correctly every day) what would you do? Somehow the temptation to
correct is too difficult to resist. Try staying "mum" as the approach.
The best part about using a
positive label on child is that it gets sowed in our mind also. Our
own beliefs about the child become more positive, we start looking for
more occasions when the child displays the characteristic. This is
even more important since the society at large is constantly putting
many lousy labels on the child, and the child needs the parents to
counter that to ensure that those do not take root inside the child's
mind.
Parents often confuse lovely
labels and sugary parenting. They argue - if we were to constantly
praise the child, wouldn't child grow in an extremely impractical
environment, won't the child become arrogant or believe everything is
perfect about him.
Check out the guidelines for
lovely labeling as an answer to above:
First, a great impact is made
just by absence of lousy labels. So that is step one. Make a list
today of all the negatives you say or think about your child.
Two, Lovely label whatever
behaviour or characteristic you think the child needs maximum
reinforcement. It's paradoxical, but the child needs most lovely
labels in characteristics she shows the least. Do not lovely label a
child when the child is not displaying that characteristic. Lovely is
ONLY when the child does.
Third, If the child is not doing
the right thing, criticize the act, not the person. So instead of "you
are careless", say, "The things are not in place"; Instead of "you're
so impatient", say, "you need to wait, while I serve". Instead of
:you're looking like a clown", say, "this shirt is not going with the
shorts".
Many parents believe a playful
label is OK. So in many households you find kids being playfully or
even lovingly called a dumbo, half-brain, lazy-bum etc. While the
child may know the playful nature of the label, yet it can soon become
a belief - do you want to take a chance!
Some lovely labels, when used
sarcastically or teasingly become lousy labels. "Here comes the beauty
queen", Hey, super smarto, show me if you do this", etc. are actually
jesting the child capabilities. Since it isn't going to make the child
any more confident, why do it?
The worst kind of lousy label is
one put on the child while you are talking to the other parent, any
adult, another child etc (and the child can hear). It kinds of seals
the label in - removes any doubt whatsoever the child had in her mind.
If you are telling your neighbour, "She's so poor in maths" or "she is
a cry baby, always whining", child knows you really believe in those
thoughts.
If you want me to become what is
right, show (in me) what is right. Why ask for darkness when you want
light, why ask for sour when you want sweet, why put lousy when you
want a lovely child.
Thought-Food - The Red
Circles
Once Author Ian Macdormet went to a school. He wondered what could
cause the unusual gaiety and enthusiasm in all the students. He
chanced to look into one child's notebook. The notebook was full of
the dreaded "Red Circles". He wondered "How can red circles make
children happy?" A child responded, "Oh, the red circles. That is what
all I have done right in my assignment. Our teacher marks out only
what we have done right, and leaves the rest for us to improve"!
Worth-It - The Joyful Child
This amazingly sweet and inspiring book by Peggy Jerkins, which for a
change talks about child as a "being" rather then as a doer. Full of
activities, ideas, change thoughts, and insights, it is a great
resource for renewal. Using songs, games, stories, puppetry, art,
etc., the author leads us ways of developing universal humanistic
values in the child, make the child (and us parents) a more complete
being. (Published by Aslan Publishing, currently available only
through web book stores)
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